It happened. I am kind of surprised that it waited as long as it did. 2010 so far has been a year for me that will NEVER be forgotten! Since the first of the year, it has been one thing after the next; stress, pain, heartache, frustration, sickness, doubt and worry. Today, my limit was reached.
I locked myself in my room, laid my head on my pillow and cried and screamed…then cried and screamed some more. I couldn’t breathe, my eyes were almost swollen shut, I had to stick my head in the freezer to calm down. It was just that bad. After 45 minutes of tantrum…I remembered to ask God for help. I was so far gone that I didn’t even think to pray. How crazy is that?
When I could finally talk about how overloaded I was, something hit me. A voice said to me, (besides the bad and ugly circumstances) Rachel, I am giving you what you asked me for. You don’t get to choose how you receive it, but My ways are better than yours.
You see, I have been praying for God to teach me how to be a better Christian, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, niece and friend. I guess I figured I was just supposed to wake up one day and be all of those things. I guess I was not thinking that how we deal with circumstances and the fact we have to face trial is what makes us stronger and gives us character. It is how we are shaped. And trials are what teach us to lean solely on God and allow Him to mold us into what we need to become. To allow Him to make us stronger through the hard and difficult times so that when we come out on the other side, we are more mature in our faith and our character.
“To be a better Christian”: God has shown me that this world will turn against you in a split second. That you cannot rely on man to save you or bring you perfect peace and safety. The only one you can trust wholeheartedly is God. The only one you can consistently rely on to make the impossible, possible…is God.
“To be a better Wife”: My husband has been such a good spouse that it has made me want to be a better wife. He has been right beside me, loving and supporting me, through all we have been through with one another and with family. It has strengthened my desire to be the biblical and Godly wife I am to be, because he has set such an example.
“Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Granddaughter, and Niece”: With the surgeries, sicknesses, and heartaches my family has faced recently, I have been called to be there for my family in ways I never had to be before. I have needed to grow up fast. Old relationships have been restored. New relationships have grown. Current relationships have strengthened. I have learned to lean on my family for support and they have learned that they can lean on me. These relationships have enriched and blessed my life. They have helped me to grow and mature as a woman over the last year.
“To be a better friend”: I have been able to be there for a few friends in the midst of deep trouble. I have been a person they have turned to for help and prayer. I have cried, shared, and prayed with these women. In turn, I have gained everlasting bonds with beautiful Christian ladies.
It never would have occurred to me in the midst of my breakdown today that over the past 5 months, my prayers were being answered. When I began to calm down and listened to the voice in my spirit, I realized I was being shaped into the woman I desired to be. God has a way of His own to shape and mold us. We ask Him for things, and sometimes we don’t receive it. That is honestly because God knows it is not good for us. However, there are times we do receive it…just not as we expected we would. Even though this road and this journey has been long and hard; and although there is still more to come, I am thankful for it.
These trials have allowed me to be able to trust, rely, lean and count on God and those closest to me in my life. It did not come the way I thought…all packaged neatly with a beautiful ribbon. However, “…My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord” Isaiah 55:6 (King James)
And thank God for that! Because if it were up to me, I would have never gotten around to beginning the process of being the woman I want to be. God had to lead me through it to take me there. And best of all, I am still not complete. I want to keep growing in Him.