Sunday, August 28, 2011

Until Then

It sure has been a while since I have sat down and shared what was on my mind, in my heart and flowing in my soul. Writing for me has always been a huge passion. It has always been the best way I could express myself. If I owed someone an apology, I wrote a letter. If I needed to confront someone, I wrote a letter. If my heart was overflowing with so much love that I had to express it or burst, I wrote a letter.
So why after 20+ years, writing has become a stranger to me? Why is it that something that once flowed so freely from within can't break through this wall that has been built up?
Because I have helped build that wall and only I know how to tear it down.
Sitting here and "talking" to you all on a regular basis and opening up my heart, revealing to strangers my innermost thoughts, suddenly became a "fear" of mine. Being a blessing to someone who may be going through the same thing as me suddenly became scary because I suddenly became accountable for all I said. If I told you to hold on to God even if you did not feel His presence, it meant that I had to. If I told you to pray for others instead of being angry at them, it meant I had to. If I told you to hold your head high when your heart was breaking, it meant I had to.
The pressure was too much for me...And I honestly did not realize that this is why I was holding back until I just NOW grabbed my computer, logged onto blogger and started typing.
God revealed to me that I have not allowed grace to lead me through this process of sharing. Instead, I was letting the fear of failure stop me. And STOP me, it did.
I can't promise that I will be able able to sit here daily, weekly or even monthly and share what I have on my mind and in my heart with you like I used to. But I can promise that from here on out if that is what God WANTS me to do, I will try.
Until then........

Rachel W. Clark